Take Up Space and Celebrate You Unapologetically- Part 2
This post is a continuation of my ongoing reflection on Space, and all the ways we can cultivate more nourishing space in our bodies, minds and lives. I initially wrote it together with a post back in October 2024, but I realize that this topic need more space to be digested. Please share any feedback or comments below.
Space to Clarify Needs & Values
My clients frequently express guilt over resting, or engaging in activities that are not visibly “productive,” like watching a show on Netflix. I feel this also- it’s almost impossible not to. Our frequent focus on external expectations, results and drive to succeed can disconnect us from ourselves and our innate worthiness that is always present- no matter what we do, grade we get, or “likes” we receive. Taking pockets of time to connect with ourselves can ensure that the direction we’re going in is most aligned with our deepest desires and our values, versus being led down a path that might be influenced unknowingly by others’ expectations, our perceptions of others’ expectations, arbitrary rules or “should’s,” or by fear of taking a new path- with all it’s challenging unknowns. As our world constantly pulls us outwards-it is vital we create the space to return inwards, as it is here we can connect to what feels most true to us and our heart’s longings.
I often see my clients’ unhelpful stories drive them to work more and rest less (“I’m not good enough,” “I need to become successful to be worthy,” “If I take a break I’ll be lazy.”) However, when we rest less, we become exactly that- restless. When we focus outwards, subject to the constant flow of external demands, our attention is untethered from our heart and soul. Our focus and drive to meet external expectations and pressures can shift attention away from what truly matters, which becomes most clear in quiet time with ourselves. We’re more likely to outsource our needs to others and make decisions informed by their influence (or capitalistic or cultural expectations) when we’re unsure of what we need and want. It’s crucial then to have space to reflect on our needs, values, desires and gifts. We are our best compass, and our bodies and minds offer crucial information about what we’re feeling and what we need- if we just take time to attend to them.
Pause to Celebrate & Ceremonialize
When we clarify our values in the calm quiet of time alone, we can have more confidence in ourselves and our path. In space, we not only can come to know ourselves, but we receive the opportunity to love and accept ourselves. It's remembering and coming home of sorts. Pausing to celebrate also offers uplifting encouragement that only empowers and motivates us towards important goals- again, working more efficiently. Therapy sessions where clients are doing well are some of my favorites, as even though they don’t have that same productive flavor, they are calm moments to savor and soak up- to later remember when new challenges inevitably arise to rock self-confidence and motivation. I personally have a practice of looking back on at each equinox and annually, to reflect on what I am proud of myself for and how I have grown. In addition, humans are more able to healthily adjust to life when we pause to ceremonialize important life milestones, like birthdays, graduations, and deaths, versus rushing forward. These milestones bring communities together in ways that create shared intention, commitment and make the mundane meaningful. Everyday moments get imbued with more depth when experienced slowly and consciously, maybe even through ritual or ceremony. Some simple ways to do this, are taking three breathes before each meal and considering the journey your food has taken to get to you, reflecting on what you’re grateful for in bed before sleep, or saying hello to the sun and goodnight to the moon. You can get creative to greet little moments so they feel special. I like to shake/dance as a way to release energy from my day with clients and transition to winding down in the evening. I begin my days sipping my coffee slowly and quietly at my window, having a meditative moment to welcome the day.
*Practice: A Mindful Moment of Pride”
Pause and let your body settle into a comfortable position. Notice your breath, allowing it to become an even steady stream with the inhale roughly the same length as the exhale. Notice your naval rising and falling. Notice the cool air entering your nostrils and warm air exiting. Now connect to a time you felt proud of yourself. Who was there? What went well? What do you appreciate about how you showed up and the qualities you demonstrated? How do you feel inside reflecting on that moment?
Daily Journal Prompts: What went well today? What are you proud of? What are you grateful for? What made you smile? What did you learn today?
*Practice: Inner Child Healing*
Write a list of some of the accomplishments you’re proud of today- small and big. They can be how you show up for others, skills or lessons you have learned, and qualities you demonstrate daily. Imagine yourself at 10, or 13, or get a photo to look at. How would your child self feel if they could see you now? What might your older wiser present self tell them if you could go back in time and share guidance and wisdom? What words did they need to hear, that you can offer now, to get through the trials of middle school and high school? Perhaps write a letter to your inner-child.
Self-Care is Not Selfish
Though this is gradually shifting, women have been socialized to focus outwardly on caring for and meeting others’ needs, often at the expense of their own. I also see deeply sensitive and empathic people of all (and no) genders oriented towards other-care, because of their gifted attunement abilities and efforts to secure important relational support. Self-care or self-tending has been perceived historically as selfish. In fact, taking space to connect with ourselves to meet our needs, enlist support, replenish depleted energy stores, bolster boundaries, and foster self-love, only allows us to better support our loved ones and communities. We need space to fill our cups, or as you have probably heard, put our own oxygen mask on before others. Space allows us to love from a place of resource rather than from depletion. Self-care is other-care. I repeat, Self-care is other-care.
Boundaries
Boundaries are a form of space crucial to our wellbeing. Prentis Hemphill notes “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” I think of boundaries as essential for each person’s wellness and sovereignty. As sensitive deep-feeling people, it’s easy to merge and lose ourselves in caring for the wellbeing of another. This pattern of self-sacrifice though well- intended and caring, can result in a loss of self or self-abandonment. We need differentiation for health egos, to have a clear sense of our unique selves- a feeling of “this is me, this is not me.” I had a therapist once who invited me to place what was mine, and what was my mother’s, imaginally in two separate piles; This is an incredibly helpful practice to create definition if you notice taking on a loved one’s “stuff.”
In practice, boundaries can look like getting enough sleep, saying no to a dinner or request, letting go of a friendship, booking a massage or nail appointment, and ultimately being clear about what you're physically and emotionally available for. Many of my clients struggle to set boundaries- they are incredibly difficult and can understandably spark discomfort! We can worry that the other person will see us as cold, unhelpful, bad, that we aren't fulfilling our role as (wife, partner, friend, etc). We can worry that the other person will be mad at us or that they will struggle more without our help. It’s important to see boundaries not as hurting or detaching from a relationship, but as strengthening it sustainably. We are not keeping help from someone, but becoming more available to help enduringly over the longer-term. Boundaries are protection to guard our energy and emotional prana “life force,” so that we can show up with more vitality and love, and with less resentment and irritation. When we neglect our boundaries, or let another infringe on them repeatedly, anger and resentment can fester, eroding the relationship. When we state our needs firmly, with love and respect, boundaries actually serve the relationship- not to mention they model self-care is important and give the other person permission to tend to themselves as well. On an energetic level, we can practice consciously letting the other’s energy return to them. There are many rituals that can create this energetic boundary within, like cutting the chord ceremonies or writing letters we might not send. It can be helpful to consider one’s limiting beliefs, preventing us from setting boundaries, and to repeat mantras that support adopting the boundaries we need to thrive.
*Practice: Creating a Protective Bubble.”
Find a comfortable seated position and let yourself land. Notice where your body is held by the earth. Trace the breath as it flows in the body, filling the belly and lungs, and all the way out of the body. Breathe into the heart space. Visualize that with each breath, a calming color begins to spread filling the heart, and then slowly filling the body, softening and warming any area of tightness or constriction it makes contact with. Imagine this calming color and it’s peaceful qualities spreads to form a protective cocoon around the body. Feel that you’re held by this cocoon, with no negative or unhelpful energy, thought or person allowed to pass through. if unhelpful thoughts arise, gently invite them to rest on the outside of the circle. Allow yourself to relax into the support of the circle of protection for several breaths. Trust you may call on this energetic protection whenever you need to bolster yourself before stepping into stressful situations or interacting with challenging people.
*Practice: Repeating Affirmations to Help Prioritize Self-Care*
You may repeat these in the morning to set a tone for the day, in the evening, or anytime when you may need to feel resourced and unapologetically prioritize your self-care time.
I protect my peace
I am deserving of rest and allow my body to rest when it needs to
Prioritizing myself is productive
My well-being is a priority, and I am committed to nurturing it
I find joy in taking care of myself
I am patient with myself & trust I am growing & improving everyday
I belong here and am allowed to take up space
I trust my self-care helps me better care for others
My self-worth is not determined by my accomplishments
My life is abundant and full of X & X (i.e peace, good friends, abundance)
Countering Culture’s Pressure to Effort, Rush, & Do
The back body practice described in my last Blog Post counters the dominant energetics of consumerism and social media, which at every turn call us to lean forward to press, to buy, to like something or someone; it also counters the overarching energetics of capitalism, which pushes us to rush, compete or produce. There's grasping, efforting, and doing that Western culture emphasizes and values over resting effortlessly. Buddhism extols an attitude of “non-attachment” as an antidote to suffering, and to foster space. The constant bombardment of images, content, goods, and news in social media is also a powerful cascade of stimuli that we can become passive to or consumed by. Pratyahara is a sacred yogic practice of withdrawing the senses from external stimuli and going inwards; Stopping the senses from reacting to external objects can help free the mind from sensory distractions and disturbances. Also, in Ayurveda, it’s thought we don’t just digest food, we digest everything we take in through our senses. The quality of what we take in, becomes us, our mindset, our energy, our focus. When we learn to cling less to less, especially to things, our contentment might grow, building inner-trust that we have enough and don’t need external validation. We need to give ourselves more space, between meals and bites, between meetings and tasks, between us and our phones, and between desires and purchases, so we have space to digest and settle our bodies and spirits. Here, in this space of less (or maybe no) attachment, we may then be content with who we are and what we have.
*Live in The Moment Practice*
Once you become aware of your thoughts, you might notice how we are often living in the past, ruminating over what could have been done differently, or in the future, trying to control and predict life outcomes. Rarely do we allow ourselves to be in the present, which is perhaps my favorite way to intentionally find space. Our very breath has built in spaces to rest and transition, right after each exhale and inhale. These pauses can be built-in sanctuaries for our awareness. When we take time to focus on the space between our inhales and exhales, something amazing happens. Our mind eventually begins to focus on the present moment. By practicing this, we then gain more space before responding to difficult thoughts, feelings, and urges. Place one hand on the heart and one hand on the belly, and take some deep diaphragmatic breaths, breathing slowly and deeply into the belly. Feel the breathe fill your hand and belly on the inhale, and release effortlessly on the exhale. Notice the pause at the end of the inhale. Exhale, letting go fully. Notice the pause at the end of the exhale. Repeat for one minute.
De-cluttering for More Physical Space
Perhaps the most tangible and pragmatic of steps to create space is starting with our environment. A clean space externally can help us feel relaxed internally. Researchers at UCLA’s Center on Everyday Lives and Families (CELF) found clutter affects our self-esteem and our moods. Their study of 32 families found women with a high density of household objects had more cortisol (stress hormone). Decluttering can help promote focus, offer competency and pride, support healthy relationships, and sleep (Bhandari, 2024). We can practice letting go of material objects. I invite some of my clients to put away 3 things or to organize one shelf or drawer when stressed. Notice what happens to your internal environment when your outside landscape has more space. In addition, when we’re stressed, our brains are primed to focus on threats and stressors and operate from a scarcity mindset that there’s not enough or we need to do more. In peaceful spacious environments, our nervous systems settle; We can better appreciate the abundance of our lives. This works both ways: When we appreciate the abundance of our lives through gratitude practice, we can boost joy via feel-good hormones serotonin and dopamine. Also, by intentionally donating goods, we communicate to our psyches that our lives are so overflowing, as we are sharing the plentifulness- breaking any scarcity stories of not having enough. In addition, our prehistoric human ancestors found comfort in wide open spaces, a sentiment embedded in our bones. Imagine a favorite vista you’ve been calmed or awed by. Did you pretty quickly settle into easefulness? This decluttering might look like closing out tabs, deleting emails, or just limiting social media consumption.
Creativity and Art
Donald Winnicott, a famous psychoanalysis, perceived art to be a “third type of reality” or “potential space,” where we can to know our unique selves as separate from caregivers and separate from external societal rules- a playground of sorts to practice creative living. He said “creativity is then the doing that arises out of being.” When we think creatively, we are activating the right, more expressive, emotional side of our brain. Something beautiful happens when our right and left brain communicate- there’s an integration that can feel well, integrating. Making art, writing stories, playing music and other creative endeavors, allow for the flow of energy and information across senses and across brain hemispheres (the left manages analytical thought and problem solving). Our experience isn’t linear in these spacious moments, but multi- dimensional and multi-sensory. Sleep scientist, Mathew Walker asserts that “such information alchemy conjured by REM sleep dreaming has led to some of the greatest feats of transformational thinking in the history of the human race,” extolling how sleep can enhance problem-solving and creativity. For psychologist Carl Jung, creativity is a bridge, a transitional space, for the unconscious to be expressed and made conscious. Jung viewed the creative process as a living force within the psyche, constantly evolving and shaping itself and that reflected recurring patterns of human experience through archetypes, like the maiden and mother. It can be tremendously helpful to employ creativity to explore our inner depths for personal growth.
The act of externalizing what’s on the inside, can give us space to see challenges, emotions, etc. from a new perspective. Not to mention, the art process can offer opportunity for unstructured play, play that doesn’t have an agenda or goal, where even adults are free to explore, create, and discover without rules or instructions. This type of spacious learning is crucial to helping children develop empathy, learn about their strengths and preferences, learn social skills, develop critical thinking etc. I have seen firsthand that something magical happens when adults return to these liberating and joyful moments of spacious becoming, before we were taught wrongly there was “good art” and “bad art,” and can tend to, and even liberate, their inner-child. I believe we are all artists, creating in different forms in our day-to-day life, but that when we bring conscious intention to art-making we are better able to access our intuition. Famous Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the term flow-state, states where we may lose track of time due to deep absorption in pleasurable and meaningful activities. The creative experience and artmaking can offer this optimal experience of calm and enjoyment.
Aligning With Nature’s Spacious Rythms
Space is built into us and the natural world. It is evolutionarily pleasing to humans. When we look at wide open vistas, it’s comforting, because cavemen learned to associate crowded places with potential danger. Wide open vistas feel safe, and for more Pitta-dominant (fiery) people, living in environments with open spaces is cooling and balancing. Nature teaches us space is crucial to sustained growth; Flowers don’t just bloom and expand without small moments of contractions. Many plants like oak and maple trees take a long time focusing their energy on growing extensive root systems, so they feel stable, before then experiencing rapid growth; Providing adequate water and nutrients during the initial root development stage is crucial for optimal growth later on. Seasons also call us to take space; Winter calls us to rest and slow so we have the energy for the vibrant emergence of spring. We must learn from nature’s wisdom, by taking to re-set and refuel the major growth taking place within us, and by strengthening our root systems; We can pour energy into self-care routines and social supports preventatively, anticipating upcoming periods of busyness or expansion (hello social summer). I may sound like a broken record, but if we don’t replenish our energy stores, it can lead to burn out, exhaustion, poor immunity and sickness, impaired sleep, disruptions in mood, disruptions in hormones and eventually physical manifestations. Charging ahead and striving from a depleted place isn't only inefficient, it’s not kind or respectful to ourselves.
There is Such a Thing As Too Much Space
In Ayurveda, the elements of air and space are more prominent in the outside landscape during Fall, and these qualities can be mirrored in our internal landscapes. Too much space can present internally physically as gas, bloating, constipation (from dry air), or mentally as indecision, anxiety, fear, and a lack of clarity. We might feel more spacey, withdrawn or isolated from those we love, or unable to take purposeful clear action. Air & Ether elements can be balanced by the Earth & Water elements and qualities of stable, wet, slow and heavy. Fall & Winter are important seasons to bring in stable, consistent rhythm, cozy self-care practices like baths and hot oil massage, reading in soft blankets, slow restorative yoga, and to eat warm cooked, nourishing foods. Thus, having the right balance of space is important, and knowing when we’ve swung too far in any one direction, which ironically, requires space to ascertain.
But There’s Vo Such Thing As You Taking Up Too Much Space
I think one of the most liberating things we can do as girls and women is practice taking up space. There are countless ways our presence has been restricted and our voices have been quieted historically and today. We are bombarded by societal messages that we need to appear and act a certain way to be valid and beautiful. To express emotions is to be called “emotional” or “dramatic” and to express frustration or displeasure is to be called “a bitch.” These insidious mechanisms of oppression have historical basis: to find novel ways of healing using herbs was to be called a witch and burned. It can be uncomfortable and scary to shift these limiting stories, imprinted for many of us in the nervous system and appearing as stories like “i’ll scare them away,” “i’m too much” “They’ll think I’m boastful” As women, when we hold our selves back to be pleasing or accommodating to others, we deny ourselves and our communities of beautiful, powerful gifts. We may deny ourselves of hearing vital messages our feelings are trying to send us about our needs. We may deny ourselves financial gain when we don’t ask for promotions and raises we deserve. We may deny the world and our loved ones the playful, silly, complex, and interesting magic that lies in our complexity. I often joke that my emotional complexity offers my partner the opportunity to learn adaptability.
I invite you to find a way to take up a little more space, because the world can only benefit from more of your divine energy. You may stand or sit with hips a little wider, you may enjoy crawling and dancing across your living room, you may make it a point to speak up at work, or…you may apologize less for being authentically, imperfectly, but so beautifully you.
There is one caveat to this, and that is, it is important for women to be aware of their privilege, and when their active presence might be keeping others who might be more marginalized from stepping forward to speak or share. Finding ways to step back to guide and encourage other women to take up space, through hearing their stories, supporting their journeys, etc is vital. We want all of our beauty and complexity to be seen, but not to diminish or overpower anyone else’s.
