How to Create Space For Ourselves: Wisdom & Practices to Remedy Depletion & Burnout
Space is one of the most critical factors for physical, emotional and spiritual health. Although the notion is romanticized by popular culture with colloquialisms like “I’ll hold space for you,” and “I need space,” actually taking a break from visibly productive activities is hard; Rest isn’t fundamentally valued, and is even looked down upon. In our fast-paced, over-programmed modern society, it’s engaging in relaxation, often causes guilt, burn-out and resentment- all to the detriment of collective wellbeing. Insufficient space is the root of physical and emotional struggle and I will share what gets in the way and how you can find it, even amidst the busiest of schedules. Though for many of us, our most spacious moments may involve nature or vacations, we don’t need to head into the wilderness or attend a pricey yoga retreat to find space. We can find it in the reality of our day-to-day lives; Our brains and bodies will thank us- likely with increased attention and alertness, a calmer and stabler mood, greater inner-alignment, more digestive ease, and more energy to revel in life.
What is Space?
So what is space exactly? Its elusive definition makes it harder to prioritize. According to Oxford Languages, space is a continuous area or expanse that’s free, available and unoccupied. It’s also a pause that exists in-between one thing that’s ended and another that’s yet to begin or what’s between one person and the next. Then there’s the universe “outer-space,” which holds everything. Space is paradoxically everything and nothing. We can find it within and outside of us. It may be easier to understand this concept by looking at when we know we haven’t had enough space. Consider a time when you have felt so many responsibilities or tasks that they were crowding in on you. Or perhaps, you might recall a moment when a friend or family member was so overly involved in your life, that the edges of them and you began to blur. Others might relate to the idea of being “suffocated” in a relationship. Maybe you’ve been so busy with social obligations, you had no time to breathe, let alone for yourself. Or perhaps you’ve reacted quickly without thinking, only to regret it later. I know I have.
How do you feel when you don’t have enough physical or mental space? When you don’t have enough time for yourself? Our body contains vast intelligence beyond our conscious minds, and its somatic cues point to important underlying needs. When our need for space is infringed on, our body may reflect this through tensing up, feeling tight, heavy, restricted, feeling nauseous- all normal stress responses corresponding to increased adrenaline and cortisol that prepare ourselves to fight or flee when our brain interprets a threat. When we have enough space, our bodies soften. Our parasympathetic nervous system response is activated, allowing us to “rest and digest,” in peace while slowing our heart rate and breathing.
*Practice: Felt Sense of Space*
Consider if you had all the space you needed, what would that feel like? How would your body and mind feel? Where would you be? Imagine a moment in your life when you had space or felt spacious- When time was not a factor. Maybe when you felt comfortable with full permission to take up space, with your presence, body, or voice. Pause and take some deep breathes here, exhaling fully, exhaling audibly. Let yourself rest in that for a memory for a few moments. Notice what spaciousness feels like in your body. Likely, you may find your body relaxing, softening, settling. You may notice tension unwinding or letting go of holding or squinting.
Trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk famously said “our bodies keep score,” and indeed painful life events can imprint themselves physically, getting stuck in the body and manifesting as uncomfortable symptoms. This is our body speaking to us and the first step is taking space to explore and examine what’s lying beneath to make sense of our feelings and needs. Somatic practices like shaking, tapping, rocking, dancing all serve to create more spaciousness within the joints and tissues and move stuck, built-up feelings through and out of us so we have more space in our bodies; We create and receive more space to hold what we are feeling in each moment without constriction, which tends to make the uncomfortable feelings subside. Humming can actually soothe the nervous system while de-constricting the throat so our voices and emotions might flow freely- this may be why in times of stress we often may start singing, and why communities since the dawn of time have come together to sing during times of injustice and upheaval; it’s deeply comforting, and reverberates downstream through the rest of the body via the Polyvagal Nerve that begins in the brainstem and has branches to the throat (more on this later).
Tending to the body is an act of self-love and the act can influence the mind to become more loving. In the same vein, when our bodies relax, our minds can relax; Our prefrontal cortex (which governs logic and reason) shuts down in response to stress; When we regain calm, we regain our capacity to think clearly. Changing the body’s posture and shifting how we physically face experiences can also result in shifts in the mind and emotions. An exercise I’ve had clients practice to feel less anxious and more confident is holding power poses, positions where the spine is upright, the shoulders are back, there’s space in the chest and there might be a wide-legged stance, which can communicate a sense of readiness and confidence; This sense of readiness then becomes internalized when repeatedly practiced physically. In my Hakomi training, therapists first practiced finding “their seat,” finding centering and ease in their physical body and posture before starting a session. In yoga, the Mountain pose, where feet are hips-distance apart with all four corners planted into the earth, knees are slightly bent, arms are at the sides with palms facing out- is a pose that promotes stability in body and in mind.
*Practice: Smile & Tense & Release*
Consider what it feels like to hunch and curl forward, head dropping, shoulders curled in, tensing your forehead, knitting your eyebrows, squinting your eyes. What emotions arise? How does this feel? Then notice what it feels like to gently bring your heartspace and chest forwards, your head upright, softening your forehead and eyes, and perhaps even smile as the shoulders dropping away from the ears. What emotions arise? Smiling creates space in that we become more available to our present experience rather than resisting it, and research shows that smiling can make unpleasurable experiences more enjoyable. Try taking this another step, by tensing all the muscles of your face as you inhale, scrunching and clenching everything at once, and pause holding. As you exhale, release and soften them all and relax. Next tense all the muscles of your arms, squeezing your fists, drawing shoulders to your ears, and pause. As you exhale let them all relax and be heavy. Do this tense and release exercise with each body part, culminating with tensing and releasing the whole body before relaxing the whole body. Inhaling, tensing, exhaling, softening. This practice helps us notice just how much unnecessary tension and tightness we habitually carry with us each day, and what it feels like to actually experience deep relaxation. When we actually notice what tension feels like, we’re more able to let it go kindly in day-to-day moments.
*Practice: Relax Into Your Back-Body*
How we physically posture in response to our experience can affect our moods and choices. Observe what happens when you lean into your back-body, and feel the support of the chair or couch you’re sitting on. Try simply rolling your shoulders up and back to create more space in your chest. Gently sit a little taller, to find more space in your spine. Perhaps take some neck rolls, shoulder rolls, cat cows, or hip circles- whatever feels good. These movements create hydration and more space in our joints for energy to flow freely. Zoom calls and computers result in our bodies constricting, and hunching forward. When we consciously lean back, we create space in our physical and emotional body and allow ourselves to become available for the experiences that are meant to flow to us, with our hearts more energetically open. With the inhale, feel the breathe fill the lower belly, chest and even the whole back body. Notice the body receiving the breathe without grasping for it. Notice how your mood and perspective might shift when you simply lean back. Try leaning back as you make important decisions or respond to others this week, and see what shifts.
Our Bodies Are Always Creating Space Via Natural Detoxing Pathways
On a physical and neurological level, our bodies and brains need space to thrive and integrate new information according to Dr. Nicole Beurkens, child psychologist and nutritionist. If we pile new information on top of barely assimilated information (like I’ve been known to do by taking multiple courses simultaneously) little gets consolidated into knowledge and memory. We’re skimming the surface. We need time to choose which information to assimilate, but also to examine and release unneeded information. Our bodies naturally do this in the space of sleep.
According to the sleep scientist Mathew Walker in the book “Why We Sleep,” sleep is a memory aid, which prepares the brain for making new memories and which cements those memories after learning to prevent forgetting; Sleep has an intelligent filtering system which also allows us to discard what information or memories or unneeded- becoming especially protective in cases of painful or problematic memories.
One of my teachers, Kristen Mackey, a board-certified family medicine physician who practices integrative primary care, shared that our brain has a pump-like function called the glymphatic system that eliminates toxic residue accumulated during the day each night- toxins associated with Alzheimers. The increased flow of cerebrospinal fluid at night washes away waste that builds up between our brain cells during the day. Ayurveda, an ancient holistic system of medicine, also believes that the liver processes and eliminates toxins primarily at night, between the hours of 10am-2pm, thereby supporting healthy hormonal function and hydration. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, the liver is seen as integral to processing not just physical toxins, but emotions like grief and anger. According to Dr.John Douillard, a leader in the field of natural health and sports medicine, diaphragmatic breathing (breathing deep into the belly and expanding the diaphragm) acts as a natural pump supporting our lymphatic system’s detoxification processes. How amazing is it that our body naturally lets go of what’s not serving us to create the space we need to thrive? Also, it is worth noting body-based self-care processes like dry-brushing can also support circulation and lymphatic movement.
Space in The Form of Sleep
When we don’t give ourselves space to sleep, we accumulate toxins or what in Ayurveda is called “ama,” which can show up physically in fatigue, high blood pressure, poor immunity and mentally as anxiety, depression, indecision, or inattention. In the book “Why We Sleep” author & sleep scientist Walker says that “sleep is one of the most underappreciated factors contributing to cognitive and medical ill health in the elderly, including issues of diabetes, depression, chronic pain, stroke, cardiovascular disease, and Alzheimers.” Poor quality sleep is indeed associated with increased rates of anxiety and depression (Sullivan et al, 2023). Elizabeth Blake Zakarin, a clinical psychologist at the Columbia University Clinic for Anxiety and Related Disorders says “just like our electronics need to be charged, sleep may recharge or reset the brain to optimize functioning.” She reports poor or insufficient sleep increases negative emotional responses to stressors and decreases positive emotions.
In one research study, Walker observed drastic swings in emotional brain activity in healthy individuals who were sleep-deprived, and corresponding pendulum-like swings in mood from negative to giddy in a short period of time. Without sleep, he notes we can’t rein in our impulses with too much emotional gas pedal (amygdala) and insufficient regulatory brake (prefrontal cortex). It’s probably not a surprise that sleep-deprived individuals are more prone to anger and hostility, something my partner can attest to. In order to create a soothing space for deep sleep, sleeping and waking at the same time is essential as this align our inner circadian rhythm to day and night, signaling to our body when it’s time to sleep and wake. Dimming the lights at night to limit exposure to bright (and blue) light, and exposing yourself to sunlight in the morning are two vital sleep-enhancing practices.
*Practice: Creating a Nourishing Sleep Routine*
Many of my clients report being fatigued so one of the first things we examine and support is cultivating a nourishing sleep routine. How are you winding down? What comforting cues (dimming the lights, spritzing lavender pillow spray, drinking a soothing moonmilk or passionflower tea) might you create to signal to your body that it’s time to rest? What can you stop doing that’s keeping your brain stimulated & alert (checking emails before bed, watching youtube, screens?). Can you take a walk in the sunshine first thing in the morning to align your circadian rhythm with 12-hr natural day/wake cycles? There is much research that sleeping early and waking early helps align our bodies optimally with nature’s circadian rhythm. In addition, sleep may accelerate physical recovery from inflammation, stimulate muscle repair, and help restock cellular energy in balancing glucose and glycogen (Walker, 2017).
How Slowing Down Helps Productivity
Our nervous systems too require space to function optionally. When we’re busy hustling, studying, creating, or performing, our sympathetic nervous system is activated in a healthy, necessary state of motivation known as “wake and take,” that drives action towards important goals. However, when the nervous system is activated for too long, too intensely, or too quickly- it becomes desensitized; According to one of my teachers Chris Muse, a Somatic Sex Educator, our nervous systems then need more to be stimulated or satisfied. Meanwhile our allostatic load, “the wear and tear” effects of chronic stress on the body, increases in a degenerative flood. When we are moving fast, overloaded with tasks and to-dos, not only can we become overwhelmed, but we also cannot think properly. Our wise nervous systems have adapted to perceived stressors by turning off unnecessary functions to survival, like logical thought, to prioritize automatic functions that enable us to fight or flee stressors.
So when we’re rushing between meetings or late-night studying, we don’t have access to our full analytical mind and other important functions of the prefrontal cortex (calming, creativity, problem solving, empathy) to respond to and retain information with our full potential. We’re not being effective or efficient cognitively by pushing ourselves through. Slowing down in the short-term saves time in the long-term; Taking space is in service of effective action. If we’re making decisions with awareness and intention, and not storming ahead blindly and unmindfully, we won’t be needing as many life revisions. We may save ourselves from mistakes requiring course correction later. We also won’t be needing to repair as many relational ruptures, since we have waited to act until our prefrontal cortex, the center also for empathy, comes back online. Not to mention that small pockets of space helps our bodies; If we take just 5 minutes of space to get up and walk around every 30 minutes of work-sitting, dramatically reduces blood pressure and blood sugar levels (based on research conducted by Keith Diaz of Columbia University Medical Center).
Mindfulness: Practicing Full Presence
Mind-full-ness refers to being fully aware of our mind and experience in the present moment and without judgment. If you don’t like this over- used term (someone recently told me it makes them cringe), feel free to replace it with intentional presence, compassionate inner-focus, present-moment awareness, deliberate self-inquiry, or practice in consciousness. Mindfulness results from humans having a unique capacity for metacognition, the ability to be aware of and control one's own thought processes. The root word meta means "beyond" or "on top of.” However, we often don’t practice this superpower while living amidst and inside our own heads. Slowing down to examine our thoughts and the choices we then make as a response, helps ensure our feelings and thoughts are not running the show and prevents us from overly identifying with them. When we become aware of our thoughts, we can liberate ourselves from unhelpful and untrue narratives clouding our senses and choices; We shift from reactivity to responsiveness.
Scientists estimate 95% of brain activity is unconscious. This activity encompasses habits and patterns, automatic body function, creativity, emotions, personality, beliefs and values, cognitive biases, and long-term memory. When we move fast, the 60k unconscious thoughts that are driving our behavior each day can do so without restraint or monitoring. We remain unaware of how our thoughts actually are influencing us. This is problematic since many of our thoughts are untrue, or are unhelpful narratives internalized in childhood- perhaps an internalized parental voice or learned enduring familial or ancestral story. Common ones I see in practice are “I’m not good enough,” “asking for help burdens others,” “I’m too much,” “working is what makes me valuable.” These core beliefs may have served us to secure relational connection and meet important needs in childhood, but as adults they often stop serving us. When we give ourselves space, we can decide what narratives we want to let go of, are most helpful for us to believe, and revise our beliefs to be more aligned with our authentic goals and values. It’s worth noting it takes practice, time and patience for old neural pathways to be pruned off and to rewire as new adaptive beliefs form.
So, the only way to become conscious of what limiting beliefs might be secretly driving our behavior is to slow down and bring attention to our experience. There’s a saying, “where attention goes, energy flows.” Many of my clients who practice mindfulness report feeling less reactive, and better able to choose how they want to respond to situations. How wonderful would the world be if we just paused before reacting? How amazing would it feel to be fully available to the present moment, liberated from being caught up by critical or anxious thoughts? When my clients start noticing and shaking off anxious or critical thoughts, they tend to show up more fully and authentically in life. They are more open and able to take risks boldly and confidently move towards their values and the people they want to be.
*Practice: Notice Thoughts Without Judgment*
Get comfortable and take a moment to turn your gaze inwards. Notice your body on the surface it’s on. Take three deep cleansing breaths before letting the breath be natural. Notice the quality of your breath, which can mirror the quality of your thoughts. Is it smooth or are there hitches or pauses? Notice what’s happening in your mind with compassion. Does our mind feel cluttered with thoughts, scattered or empty? Do the thoughts flow quickly or slowly? Is there a pattern to the thoughts? Is there one thought sticking around again and again? You might notice some negative thoughts or a pattern arising, as most of our thoughts repeat themselves. Try to notice without judgment, with gentle curiosity to what is present. Try not to label thoughts as good or bad. Let them come and go in their own time, like clouds passing in the sky. All sensations, feelings, thoughts, are welcome. When your mind wanders, notice and label your experience, as “Thinking,” before gently returning your attention to your breath again. Each time your mind wanders, practice returning to your breath. Practice this for 1-5 minutes.
Stay tuned for my next post on finding space through celebrations, creativity and boundaries.
Thank you for taking the space to read this article. I invite you to now to walk outside, take some deep breaths, and reflect on how you might want to create space each day to enliven and balance your body and mind.
